I knew I’d undoubtedly be a fire hazard and the idea of having to frequently inflate myself throughout the night wasn’t overly appealing, but I was going to just go ahead and fulfill my lifelong dream of being one of those fat sumo wrestlers already. However, that didn’t happen. What happened instead required 20 balloons, a bit of string, and a homemade felt hat.
To be a bushel of grapes, you must buy and inflate 20 (or more) green or purple balloons. Attach 10 to a long piece of string (about 8 feet long) at equidistant intervals. Do the same to a second piece of 8 foot string. Wear brown leggings, shoes, and shirt if possible, then cross the strings over your chest and up and over your shoulders so that it crosses behind your back as well. Attach a piece of green felt that you’ve cut to resemble a leaf stem to a headband with a bit of hot glue.
You’ll find that a grapes costume necessitating 20 balloons is good for: making a scene; aggressively moving people out of your way; and circumventing concussions when you accidentally fall at the bar (note: yelling “GRAPES DOWN!” will not help matters). Cons: people may try to set you on fire for their own enjoyment; it’s physically impossible to apply the word “sexy” to your grape stem hat that resembles the head of the green Teletubby; when you fall at the bar, you’ll be painfully recognizable for the rest of the night as the girl who just fell at the bar.